Sex Addiction and Burnt Baby

My recovery is not that fluffy sunny rainbows kinda recovery. My recovery is dark and nasty. It has grit and slime in it. My recovery is a dark chasm within me. I call it burnt baby.

My burnt baby is the charred core of my being. It’s all bad. It’s black and puffs away in tiny little bits of ash. There is no redeeming value to my burnt baby. So, I cover it up. I paint it pretty colors and I spray it with flowery smells. I lacquer it’s hair and paint around it’s eyes and I pretend that no one can see the burnt baby as I navigate my way through the world.  I pretend to be normal.

I smile and attract men. Some sort of sick game where if you want me I must be worth something. Let me give myself away to you that I may feel ok about myself. If just for a moment.

I like the way Nine Inch Nails says it:

you let me violate you
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

help me
i broke apart my insides
help me
i’ve got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me
help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

help me
tear down my reason
help me
it’s your sex i can smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me
think of somebody else

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed

you
get
me closer to god

through every forest
above the trees
within my stomach
scraped off my knees
i drink the honey
from inside your hive
you are the reason i stay alive



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