Open ArmsPosted: June 19, 2012
This morning, lying on the radiation table, my head clamped inside the white plastic mesh mask that they use to keep me still, Journey started playing through the intercom system:
I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping you’ll see what your love means to me
On the way to my appointment, biking in the warm summer weather, enjoying the birds tweeting and a cool breeze, I had a little conversation with god.
Now my god is not some assyrian 20 something with surfer dude hair. My god is a girl.
She’s a cartoony, kinda chunky, pirate-y gal with a great twinkly laugh and a strong presence – she’s not menacing but you just know you can’t take her down.
So, I was getting pissed at her this morning on the ride over.
“What is this about? haven’t I done enough? I thought that, since the whole mom-murdered at 13 thing that I should be exempt from any further struggles. Ok – maybe that’s a along time to not grow or learn anything but, I was kinda trying to control god with that.
So, when the music came on, I got kinda teary.
Is that how I live my life?
Arms crossed and defiant? definitely.
Rebelliously and with attitude? Of Course!
So, why am I fighting life?
Does it make me feel important? Like I am more worthy if there is struggle?
And why wouldn’t I be worthy of being alive? I had this poster on the wall when I was a teenager and I like “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here” from -Desiderata
There is this random quote about Mother Teresa and how she would not use the “fight” energy because that just makes more “fight energy” [ ok – nothing like what she said but, the Rebie condensed version]
If my fight gets me more fight – is that really what I want?
What if love gets me more love? Or contentment gets me more contentment, or generosity gets me more generosity, or joy gets me more joy?
In the rooms of 12 step they say you’ve got to give it away to keep it.
So, what do I want to give away today?