5th and final day of Chemo Triple Threat

This glio stuff has “roots” that grow through my head. So, it’s not just a golfball sized tumor that can be pulled out in one go, like  a cyst.

To get all the roots, I am now on the  triple the chemo x 5 days in a row, once a month x6 months program.

Today was day 5 of month 3 -I think.I whine and pout and don’t want to take the  6 pills of poison that are somehow are removing the tumor from my brain.

One more month down and closer to freedom.

 


God’s wish for me is to go Commando

Have you ever put on your favorite cute pink polka dotted thong underwear. Worn them around just long enough to forget about them only to then start getting stabbing pains reminiscent of a urinary tract infection? After a quick “emergency inspection” my suspicions were  confirmed: My pink panties were on backward… again.

For some reason my new brain can’t figure out how to put on underwear. That twisty pull-the hooks-around-to the front to clip  action that used to be second nature now ends with the bra cups pointing out or, like this morning, the razor back bra ends up twisted around my upper arms leaving me looking like a botched kidnapping attempt.

I guess one solution would be to switch to gigantic grandma undies but my ego just can’t handle that so I am siding with my hero Brooke Shields’ iconic 80’s commercial “nothing comes between me and my Calvins” sentiment. At least for the summer…


Thy Will Be Done

This week has been difficult for me.

Difficult because this week I have finally begun to “feel” sick”.

This week I finished the “radiation” part of my treatment and closing that door also means it’s time to take me off of the steroids that have been shrinking the swelling in my brain

I am still taking the steroids but I am taking half the dosage.

This week the headaches have started to creep back in. My balance is off. I feel the movement in my legs, my calves are sore from keeping me upright.

This week I am tired. The steroids give me energy and now that I am getting half of the “energy” I am taking naps in the afternoon. A couple hours of deep sleep in the afternoon that knocks me out.

The headaches have been mild, 2-3s but this morning I woke up with a 3-4 and I had to admit it.

Before I could say ” I don’t feel sick” but today, I admit it. I am off balance, I am dropping things and I have a headache.  And I don’t like it. I want to be healthy. I am healthy. and I am not feeling well.

Today I found myself bargaining with god. Asking for the tumor to be gone. Wanting something other than the life that I have instead of being grateful for the life that I have.

I read somewhere that the word disease means “from the stars”. As if the struggle is divine intervention, that within the struggle is the silver lining. So, today, I am not looking for the silver lining, I am looking for the struggle to be lifted and my way of thinking says ” if the tumor is gone then I’ll be happy.

I am coming to life with my wishlist and waiting for the “perfect life” to be delivered.

It means I am judging my life  and deeming “god’s life for me” as inferior to the life I think I should have. My life doesn’t fit the perfect little picture that I have in my head when god has shown, over and over, that letting go and letting god take the reins of my life will prove to be a life worth living and that my superficial ego driven life is one dimensional and the things that I have on my striving wish list have never been the things that make me truly happy. I just think they will.

And besides, when I am working so hard to achieve that next “thing” then I don’t have to feel the emptyness of having everything I need to be happy but choosing to notice the things that I think are “missing”.

This morning, as I was putting my bike in the garage, I looked at my neglected car. The car that hasn’t been driven for two and a half months. The car that I could throw a picnic lunch into into and drive out to Lexington Dam with the roof open and the stereo loud. The car that lets me do what I want to do when I want to do it.

And I don’t like it.

I don’t like the thought that my driving days are behind me.

I don’t like the thought that this tumor is my new constant companion but I mostly don’t like the thought that I am not in control of ANY of this.

So today, instead of focusing on the things that are “not right” in my life, I am choosing to allow god to work her magic.

Today I choose to pray ‘ thy will be done”  – because it will be anyway and my fighting for my way only increases my own suffering.

Thy will be done means that I surrender my will. I submit. I let go, I allow god to be god and admit that I am but a human being doing the best I can and that god knows her plans to prosper me even when I don’t.

Surrender.

I hate it.


Last day of radiation

My sister took me to lunch to celebrate my last day of radiation and we were remembering the day I went into the hospital and how very out of touch I was.

My man knew I was really sick. He knew that my balance was off and that I wasn’t making sense. He knew I was sleeping most of the day. He even asked me if I was drinking.

I have a strong and controling personaltity that I call a “know it all” personality. It gives the illusion of order or the illusion that I can control the situation or life.

I told him I was fine, it was just the flu and I’d feel better in a day or two – which stretched into a week or two.

It is all an illusion.

My “not wanting to be sick” did not make that true. And it may have confused or extended my own suffering.

My sister remembers watching me drag my left foot and the angle was so strange she knew that I didn’t have any feeling in the foot.

As they took me into the ER, they put me into a wheelchair, and I didn’t realize that my left foot was stuck under the chair. I couldn’t feel it at all.

Today, just 2 months later – and truly within days of the surgery –  I am up and walking. My balance is great, I have been running, I walk the dog eve ry day. I ride my bike, I am mobile and stable.

The tumor is removed and the remnants are disappearing.

This week I am being weaned off of a steroid that shrinks the tumor, makes me puffy and bloated but also gives me energy.

I have had a few headaches and am taking naps in the afternoon and my balance is a little bit less stable but all in all, it’s been a smooth transition with minimal  side effects.

I am grateful for my life today; my man, my friends, my dream team of doctors that are healing me, my dog, my home, my life makes me smile every day but I had to let it be what it was and not try to control it.

When I get out of the way it gives god enough room to work her miracles and she has been working overtime in my life.

It’s a whole new life and the future has never been so bright.


Steroid face or how many chins in a Chinese phone book

I have always been the pretty girl. healthy, happy, no meds, no doctors.

My doctor visits are limited to yearly checkups and bike crashes or other acdidents – cause I am out living it.

When I look in the mirror now I see myself at 99 – bald, chunky, bloated, and I don’t like it!

someone at the hospital said I have ‘ ‘steroid face’ so I went online to see what athletes look like “before and after” and I have to say, it’s hard to decide whether it’s ‘fat’ or steroids – although their checkbones are lost in the chunkies just like mine.

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Ok, it’s not really this bad – I kinda cheated 🙂

And I am wearing a marathon t-shirt.

Really have only gained about 10 lbs but feel like the stay puft marshmallow man. There seems to be extra “padding on my face, legs, etc.

The good news is I am riding my bike – YAY! and running, and feeling great in general.

I get another doctor check in on Monday and my questions are 1) when can I drive? 2) how soon can I get off all this medication!

Some people love all the “attention” of being sick – but I hate it. Leave me  alone, I got better things to do than filling my days with doctor appts. Just like I don’t get the whole reality tv thing – why should I watch someone else living life when I could be out living my own! And besides, I limit my interaction with nasty, narcissistic people, why would I want to watch them on TV?

 


My body is my temple

I grew up in the san francisco bay are, in a Mormon home where we were very health conscious.

Part of it was being Mormon and the threat of drinking coke as committing a sin, and part of it was that my mother was an Adelle Davis fan [who was a bay area girl, too].that shunned all foods packaged processed. We picked, canned, froze and stockpiled our food. We knew where it came from and we cooked from scratch.

When my mother was pregnant she would drink this “shake” in the morning that consisted of about a cup of milk, an egg, a big spoon of brewer’s yeast and ice.

Luckily the kids weren’t mad to drink this bubbly raw egg mess but would be eating some sort of hot grain cereal with a little milk and sugar.

Fast forward and it’s no wonder I eat such strange things.

This morning I got up and tracked my weight in my “My Plate iphone app that syncs with Lance Armstrong’s livestrong.com.

I love this app because it knows the weird stuff I eat and it syncs online and gives me a picture pie chart of what I am eating.

This morning I had some of my 3 bean salad with beets, and threw in sprouted red and green lentils.

Were you heading out for a mcMuffin?

Then I go to the app and press progress. It shows that so far what I have eaten is 21% protein 66% carbs and 12% fat for a total of 555 calories.

I then take my Kepra and Dexxa with a glass of turmeric tea – which is cold- and start the water for my green tea. I piddle around the house while the kettle spurts and sputters.

My little dog comes out to see if she is missing anything and I give her a little love and hugs and belly rubs.

It’s the crack of dawn and she and my Caveman are both smart enough to know that they should still be asleep so, she sneaks back into the bedroom with the Caveman and I head to my office but on the way grab some

FRS; Free Radical Scavenger. from the fridge before I plant myself in front of my pretty carved desk.

I got turned on to FRS a bunch of year back when antioxidants were just coming into the health scene.

The way I understand it is that most of what we do and lots of what we eat creates an oxidative reaction in the blood stream and clogs up the body. 

Free radicals are the bits of crap in our system that cause inflammation and disease while the antioxidant clean the inflammation from my body. 

I was crewing for Tony Robbins and the Tony, who is also vegetarian and has super energy, was purported drinking this to support his body and energy.

At that time it was really hard to find FRS in the storesso I got set up on autoship for the FRS concentrate in about 1999.

I haven’t been following the company much but recently noticed the new packaging and plastic bottles. When I picked up a bottle to check out the bottle I read that   it was originally developed by two Harvard guys for chemo patients to help them maintain their energy and immune system.

Amazing!

I just knew that caffeine really robbed my body of energy and this stuff is a heavy duty anti-oxidant, supports my body and now that I think about it, It’s probably one of the reasons why everyone else is having trouble with chemo and radiation and I am NOT!

I know that I am just a nutty california veggie girl but there are  loads of personal testimonies on the FRS site.  I know that this stuff works for me because I am never sick and have super great energy before the chemo and even now. You can find the stuff at super target, GNC or maybe at your gym. Grab a bottle and let me know if it works for you.

Now that we’ve talked a little about your body, let’s chat about your mind.

I love Julia Cameron and The Artists Way.
She has a technique called Morning Pages where you wake up free form journal without edit or reservation. Once you  fill four pages you stop and become aware of the “stuff” in your uncoscious.
For me it really helped me realize what was circulating in my head and helped me clear some of that “stinking thinking out and also clarify dreams and wishes.

Of course there is also an iphone app to go with that too 🙂 I hope that I have given you some tools to handle your health and that some of these tools will help you choose a life of inspiration not consternation.

PS a little funny Caveman quote to make you laugh.

Last night I made a little fish and salad and corn muffins for dinner. As we sat down to dinner the Caveman says “let’s pray” and reaches for my hand.

Then he says”:  ’cause whenever you cook, I really need a prayer.

Love to you.

Be grateful for this day and for the chance to circle the sun one more time.


Good morning to you AND your bullsh*t

This is how he greeted me today… and it made me laugh. He wears jeans and t-shirts, eats meat and potatoes and drives a pick up truck. He is super fast with numbers, can figure the bottom line in his head and has that dry sense of humor that almost sounds mean but makes me belly laugh.

I am mostly veggies, read self help, wear a q-link and am so crazy hot for him that I joined a bowling team with him.

I am the oldest, the responsible one, the protector. the warrior – and it’s hard to be the girl in a relationship when you’re a warrior.

Somehow that has never been our issue.

 

He is es my caveman, he loves and protects me and today I let him.

 


Detox your body and mind

There are simple and direct methods I use to detox my body.

Some of the things I eat every day include; green tea, turmeric tea, sprouted almonds, flaxseed oil, and a plant based diet and I thought that was enough to keep me healthy.

When I was in the hospital I remember not wanting any of the processed and packaged crap that they wanted to feed me.

Once I got home I ate mostly watermelon for about the first month. Today, I still crave watermelon and have watermelon, chopped into bite size pieces,  in the fridge.

When I looked up watermelon’s alkalinity I realized that my body was telling me how to detox my body.

But I have brain cancer.

I have been stressed, overloaded, running, fighting, nagging, destructive, critical, mean, manipulative and negative ever since my life didn’t go the way I wanted – which is really all my life.

So, how do I detox that?


God blessed me

This morning the caveman told me that I had won the lottery. The odds of getting gbm is one in 100,000

My response was ” fucker” that’s not what I aSked for and he laughed