Thy Will Be Done

This week has been difficult for me.

Difficult because this week I have finally begun to “feel” sick”.

This week I finished the “radiation” part of my treatment and closing that door also means it’s time to take me off of the steroids that have been shrinking the swelling in my brain

I am still taking the steroids but I am taking half the dosage.

This week the headaches have started to creep back in. My balance is off. I feel the movement in my legs, my calves are sore from keeping me upright.

This week I am tired. The steroids give me energy and now that I am getting half of the “energy” I am taking naps in the afternoon. A couple hours of deep sleep in the afternoon that knocks me out.

The headaches have been mild, 2-3s but this morning I woke up with a 3-4 and I had to admit it.

Before I could say ” I don’t feel sick” but today, I admit it. I am off balance, I am dropping things and I have a headache.  And I don’t like it. I want to be healthy. I am healthy. and I am not feeling well.

Today I found myself bargaining with god. Asking for the tumor to be gone. Wanting something other than the life that I have instead of being grateful for the life that I have.

I read somewhere that the word disease means “from the stars”. As if the struggle is divine intervention, that within the struggle is the silver lining. So, today, I am not looking for the silver lining, I am looking for the struggle to be lifted and my way of thinking says ” if the tumor is gone then I’ll be happy.

I am coming to life with my wishlist and waiting for the “perfect life” to be delivered.

It means I am judging my life  and deeming “god’s life for me” as inferior to the life I think I should have. My life doesn’t fit the perfect little picture that I have in my head when god has shown, over and over, that letting go and letting god take the reins of my life will prove to be a life worth living and that my superficial ego driven life is one dimensional and the things that I have on my striving wish list have never been the things that make me truly happy. I just think they will.

And besides, when I am working so hard to achieve that next “thing” then I don’t have to feel the emptyness of having everything I need to be happy but choosing to notice the things that I think are “missing”.

This morning, as I was putting my bike in the garage, I looked at my neglected car. The car that hasn’t been driven for two and a half months. The car that I could throw a picnic lunch into into and drive out to Lexington Dam with the roof open and the stereo loud. The car that lets me do what I want to do when I want to do it.

And I don’t like it.

I don’t like the thought that my driving days are behind me.

I don’t like the thought that this tumor is my new constant companion but I mostly don’t like the thought that I am not in control of ANY of this.

So today, instead of focusing on the things that are “not right” in my life, I am choosing to allow god to work her magic.

Today I choose to pray ‘ thy will be done”  – because it will be anyway and my fighting for my way only increases my own suffering.

Thy will be done means that I surrender my will. I submit. I let go, I allow god to be god and admit that I am but a human being doing the best I can and that god knows her plans to prosper me even when I don’t.

Surrender.

I hate it.